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So my anxiety has been getting a lot easier to deal with lately…on the whole anyway. But I’ve still been REALLY struggling in social situations. It makes me feel like I’m stupid or something. I get so nervous about the way I sound, or what I’m saying, and worry that it’s wrong somehow. And that makes it hard for me to say anything at all. Or when I do say something, I’m so nervous that I actually DO mess it up somehow. Use the wrong word, or have trouble getting the sentence out there, you know? I REALLY want to have conversations with people, but I just can’t manage to do it a lot of the time.
I was at a social event yesterday, and ended up accidentally saying something that had a double meaning (a sexual one, no less..). Well, someone pointed it out and sort of laughed about it, and I was pretty much mortified. Because it wasn’t what I intended at all. And then I felt stupid for not realizing how it would sound. So stupid, that I tried to pretend like I’d intended it in the first place. I hardly spoke for the rest of the night.
God, I miss just being able to talk normally, and feel confident about what I’m saying. It feels so weird to not be able to. I’m not really sure how to go about fixing it though.
(Source: dr0p-it-l0w)
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(Source: catowufblogofstuff, via leaveyourmindtowander)
I’m not really sure what to put here tonight. But I feel like putting something. So I’m just going to start writing…and hope it goes somewhere.
I’m in a really weird place in my life right now. I feel somewhat suspended in time. Just sort of twirling in circles, while the rest of the world moves around me. I have no job, despite my efforts to find one. Everything with concern to love and relationships has been an absolute mess. My depression and anxiety have only seemed to get worse and worse. I even stopped going to school because of it. Because I was terrified of committing to another quarter, and then having to drop out again because of my inability to handle the stress. Or because of my sleeping problems. Or god knows what. It seems like almost every aspect of my life has gone completely wrong over the last year and a half.
And I don’t know how to fix any of it. So I just keep spinning. Unable to stop. Looking in every direction at once, but not being able to take a step in any direction. Overwhelmed.
I guess I’ll do the only thing I can for now. Keep living. Keep trying.
I wish I could look into the future, just so I could have some real reassurance that things are going to turn out okay. That I’ll end up with someone I love, become financially stable, with my own home, happy with where I am in life. That’s all I want. Is that so much to ask?
Some days, I really hate myself. I don’t want to be awkward anymore.
